?

Log in

No account? Create an account
August 29th, 2007 - Irruminations

jameystegmaier
Date: 2007-08-29 00:03
Subject: Irruminibbles
Security: Public

That’s right, irruminibbles. Little nibbles of irruminations. Deal with it.

I have a lot of tiny comments to make, TMQ-style (Tuesday Morning Quarterback. It’s a weekly article on ESPN’s Page 2 during the NFL season. It’s really well written and entertaining, and it’s not just about football. The columnist pretty much talks about whatever strikes his fancy. Check it out. Every Tuesday this fall). Here they are, split into two day’s worth of material:


Several people left comments on my last pet peeve post about the words “pet peeve.” Just like those people, the expression “pet peeve” is one of my pet peeves. It’s the “pet” part that really bothers me, since by itself, “peeve” means something that is irritating or annoying. Why is the “pet” needed at all? But the expression is what it is. Until they come up with something better, I’m stuck with it.

**

Speaking of pet peeves, I have another: The liberal use of the word “veteran” in sports articles, as in “veteran running back Reggie Bush accounted for....” To me, the word veteran insinuates years of experience. Reggie Bush is a second-year running back. He is anything but a veteran in the NFL, in my opinion. I would start using that moniker after a minimum of 5 years in a professional sports league.

**

Another axiom that bothers me: A watched pot never boils. What kind of BS is that? I think we all know that a pot of water is going to boil even if you stare at it the whole time. I know, the expression teaches the lesson that it seems like things take longer if you wait anxiously for them to happen. But please, get rid of this nonsense that the pot simply isn’t going to boil. It will. It will boil.

**

Two weeks ago (see 13-August blog entry), I posted a sign on the back of a stall door in one of my building’s bathrooms that instructs a toilet user how to flush. Miraculously, the sign is still on that stall door. I had expected someone to tear it down or poop on it within a day or two. As an added bonus, the Pooppeteer has learned how to flush.

**

I’m considering starting a pyramid scheme that involves actually building a pyramid.

**

Sprint recently fired 1000 ornery (or “peevish,” if you will) customers because those people were decreasing Sprint’s overall customer service ratings. I think it’s a brilliant move. I worked as a waiter for a few summers in college, and I would have gladly fired many of my customers. You want extra bread? You’re fired.

**

I almost posted this blog without noticing that I wrote “horny” instead of “ornery” in the previous note. I guess it’s possible that Sprint would fire 1000 horny customers. But as a waiter, I gladly would have accepted them.

**

I have a catch-22 with bathroom stalls. I’m partial to a big, spacious stall. I like to feel like it’s an entire room built for me to do my business. However, the big stalls are generally handicap-accessible, which means they have those railings and the extra-high toilet. It’s the high toilet that bothers me. I feel like a little kid, sitting there with my legs dangling, toes barely reaching the ground. I would think a high toilet would be that much more difficult for a handicapped person to use.

**

My latest brilliant idea: Sunroofs with rain sensors. On a hot summer day, I like to leave my sun roof open while I’m at work so most of the hot air rises out of the car instead of heating the interior to unbearable levels. However, if it rains, and I either don’t notice or forgot I left the sun roof open, I’m screwed. So why not install a little sensor in the roof of the car that detects rain? If precipitation begins regardless of whether or not the car is running, the sunroof would automatically close. This should be standard on all cars.

**

Another pet peeve: flesh-colored women’s underwear. It just doesn’t look good on me.

I’m kidding. But seriously, ladies, please stop wearing flesh-colored underwear. It’s creepy. It looks like you’re wearing human skin in the shape of a bra and panties. I understand the reasoning that you use this underwear when you’re wearing white- or light-colored clothing, but just wear a lighter bra. A soft yellow, perhaps, or a baby blue. If someone happens to see the hint of a bra cup under your shirt, so what? We all know what’s under there. It’s no secret. Trust me, the sight of a seafoam strap slipping out is a lot better than a fleshy string plastered against your skin.

More tomorrow.

20 Comments | Post A Comment | | Link



jameystegmaier
Date: 2007-08-29 23:45
Subject: Irruminibbles Part 2
Security: Public
R. L. White, president of the Atlanta chapter of the NAACP, thinks that Michael Vick received an unfair amount of attention from the dog-fighting allegations and that he should be allowed to return to the NFL after he serves his prison sentence. White goes on to say, “Michael Vick has received more negative press than if he had killed a human being.” Pardon? You’re telling me that if Vick hosed down a person, tied him to the wall of his barn, and electrocuted him until he died, Vick wouldn’t have received as much negative press? Yeah, that sounds about right.

**

I’ve helped a lot of people move over the past few months, from which I have a new pet peeve: People who think they can wear sandals while they move. People, it may be hot outside, and you want to air out your toes, but please just wear sneakers when you move. Half the time you can’t see your feet as you carrying boxes, so if your sandal gets caught on something, you’re going to stumble. You can’t back up in sandals, and moving often involves grabbing one end of something and backing out of a door or down a hallway. And perhaps most importantly, if you drop something on your foot, it could really hurt you if you’re wearing sandals. Please believe me when I say that sneakers are the way to go when moving.

**

Yet another pet peeve: people (read: foreigners) who refer to sandals as “thongs.” That’s just confusing for my man-brain. I hear “thong” and I automatically perk up. It’s a pretty big letdown when the thong in question is wedged between someone’s toes.

**

Idaho senator Larry Craig (of Craigslist fame) was arrested for disorderly conduct on June 11. According to the police officer posing as a sexual deviant in a Minneapolis airport bathroom stall, Craig “peered through a crack in a restroom stall door for two minutes and made gestures suggesting to the officer he wanted to engage in ‘lewd conduct.’” One of the signals, apparently, was that Craig touched his right foot against the officer’s left foot. Craig’s defense? “[I have] a wide stance when going to the bathroom.”

Sure. That makes sense. It’s not weird at all to rub against some guy’s foot in the next stall. That happens all the time to me at work, and it’s perfectly normal.

**

The king of all pet peeves for me: The Associated Press style (and British-English style, for that matter, but I read AP materials much more often) to blatantly disregard the logical use of the serial comma. The reasoning behind the decision, as I understand it, is that space in magazines and newspapers is at a premium, so even the smallest pixel can’t be wasted. But c’mon guys, it’s just a comma. I’m sure you can cut out a word or two to make room for correct punctuation. Courtesy of Wikipedia, consider this book dedication under the inane AP style: “To my parents, Ayn Rand and God.” Please, AP. You’re making a fool of yourself.

This blog will start the revolution. The serial comma is the future of the news-printed comma.

11 Comments | Post A Comment | | Link



browse
my journal
December 2007